I decided that I would post on the weekends drama that occured in my dysfunctional family.
It will be 3 years in march that my sister and nephew was murdered by my brother-in-law. He then commited suicide. my family has been through some tough times in my life. Alcoholism, drug abuse,domestic violence, and many more but this is the hardest to swallow. friday was my nephews 5th birthday and my mother is doing absolutly terrible. After this tramatic event occured My mother had 34 years soberiety go in the toilet. Her drinking has her mind so sick that she is blind to the fact she has a family loving her. She called me Sat. night very drunk telling me she was looking at her wrist with a razor. I paniced and got my stepfather on the phone. She told him her plans but he thought she was just saying crazy things. As I was asking him for the physical address she cut herself. He did nothing and would not give me the address. He failed to tell me she did it. I live an hour and half away. He told me she took her night medication and she was fine. I still was not told she she did this.The next day(yesterday) they came to my house to visit and talk. I wanted them over to didcuss further treatment options for her addictions and she showed me her wrist. It was not a medical issue but a suicide attempt is not something I take lightly with my own past. I tried to speak to her with firmly and she ignored me. I also spoke to her husband. He is in complete denial and uneducated on the severity of what she did. I called my family for an intervention. We started the process for her commital and she frecked out. Today, she threatened her doctor for violating her HIPA agreement so we had our hands tied. I called her social worker and was advised to seek inpatient care. My mother so pissed at me for what she called "Starting shit!" I could go on and on but in a nutshell she got away with it it. I did everything in my co-dependent power to "FIX" the shit and now I am wrecked and my panic attacks have been occuring all day. DysFUCKtion by way of addiction with all the amenities suck!!! I TOOK A BIG CRY IN THE SHOWER!" It helped, I relaxed with a xanax and now I am retiring to my bed with head under my covers. My mantra of the day: I WILL SURVIVE I WILL SURVIVE I WILL SURVIVE!!!!!!
Last night I did a facebook post to Bipolar Awareness page. I thought it was worth sharing so I am now going to put it here.
There was a time in my battle when I thought BIPOLAR was the cause of everything I did. Denial of having this in the first place yet I used it to get me out of more shit. I abused alcohol and drugs. I did sexual misconduct, ran up phone bills, wrote bad checks for shopping sprees and I almost lost my daughter. I blamed all that on BIPOLAR.....not! Yes those things came from my illness, but if I were compliant they would not in the first place. I used an illness that I did not even believe I had. It was not until my daughter said to me, " Dad , I do not want to be around you anymore because I am afraid that you will let me down and break my heart." She is 14 yrs old and has been subjected to all the issues I mentioned before and she was hurt by them. My favorite saying to her was"baby daddy is sorry and I will change." Then she told me something very profound for a girl her age.
" Daddy, I am so tired of hearing I am sorry and I will change. I'm sorry and I will change is only an excuse to get out of something you have to do!" Wow, I woke up very quick and realized that she is sick of me and I am losing her for good. It was not until that happened that I decided that Bipolar does exist and I can control it if I become compliant. I thought that I would try what my Dr. and therapist has suggested. When I did, my symptoms became easier to manage and my hospitalizations stopped. I started a daily journal of my daily feelings, took my medication, started taking care of my physical health by exercising, eating balanced diet, and got help for my addictions and started meditation. Everyday that I did this I felt better and better. I now realize that my illness did exist. I can manage my health and have fun doing so.
I hope my story will help someone in the place that I were in. All it takes is the will to try it. Remember to, KEEP ON SMILING!!
Mindfulness as a daily practice allows me to stay in the "Now." I always have had a tendency, like most, to look at my past and go over it and over it. For me, it only brings with it the ugly word I hate. GUILT. I , for some reason, will find so many things from my past to feel guilty about( destroying my life, sexual misconduct, shopping sprees, phone bills, and so on and so on.) I never can say and all those you hurt have forgiven you for what you did ,so I now need to forgive myself. That does not seem to stop the guilt, but I stumbled upon somethiong in my Borderline treatment that entreaged me. It is Mindfulness. It is simply to breathe and center what is happening in that very moment. Not yesterday, not a second past that actual breath. When I practice mindfulness I allow myself to be with myself, my "now" moments so that I cannot look at my past so much. My future is not even here so why would I look to it. When that mindful moment arrives I will handle it at that time. I am addicted. I say addicted because whatever I do sometimes I get addicted to. Whatever that can be. Usually when I am manic I am addicted to many things, but mindfulness has helped me become aware of my thoughts, my behaviors, and my moods at that exact moment.I now see my symptoms coming a little bit at a time so I now can see and recognize my mood fluctuations and attack them before they spiral out of control. Mindfulness has given me that. daily Mindfulness allows my brain and my thoughts to slow down and I can process things much better. Minfulness has given me that.
I was reflecting back to moments in my life were true happiness flourished and when I were free of mundane confusing thoughts. It was pure bliss for me, but in a calm,safe place. Not crowed by mania and madness. Those were Serene times. I know I felt like that when I realized my sexuality. Accepting that I was gay came within those parameters. A hidden secret unfolded into a whirlwind of pleasure. Not pleasure as I sex, but pleasure of self. I also felt that same way when I met my partner. I knew our lives were there for a reason I could not explain. I just knew. I have been with him for 18 years now and he has never ever thought of my bipolar to be a weakness. He has taken care of me when my mind could not. He3 put up with my temper flare ups and my countless bouts of mania. He knows how to handle me in all these moments with pure respect and a pouring of love. He lay with me. Holding me tight when I fell in the darkness of depression. He gave me life when I tried to lose it and let me know how to move within the dark of terror. I have never had that in my complicated dysfunctional life before. I love him for that. These were the moments of my life were true happiness flourished and i was freed of mundane confusing thoughts. With him I am free.
When I gave up on denial and repaired my twisted mind by way of compliant freedom of success with my recovery. That is when I also felt an overwhelming feeling of accomplishment.
I still get some days of elated moods with extreme happiness and flights of flawless ideas, but I now know how to recognize when I get too happy and I can sit quietly, meditate, and slow down the euphoric madness within my head. Thanks to my Higher power. I am me and I am free.
i am very happy today. Nostalgia is in my mind. I just downloaded some incredible pictures of some beautiful friends. These ladies have been through all phases of my adult life. I love them for the patience, support and love! They changed the coarse of my life. Thanks girls!
When I read this picture. I see an answer to overcoming the stigma others place upon you and on Mental illness in general. I used to allow it to my denial. It took me much courage to say. "I know me and I know that I must show others that my bipolar is not what they think." I live my life and stand up for my rights even if I am alone in doing so. I have found that by doing that I can overcome and teach others about my life. Remember to Keep on Smiling!
I submitted my volunteer application to our state mental hospital. They do so much for the mentally ill consumer. I feel as though my continued health will be of help to those needing encouragement and compassion. I hope to work there for my own illness. It will keep me on my toes. Peer to peer volunteering is a gift in support. Keep those fingers crossed for my acceptance. Remember to Keep on Smiling!!!
Bipolar Disorder or Manic Depression is the secound most severe mental illness right under Schizsophrenia.There are several types namely Bipolar 1 and Bipolar 2. I am diagnosed as Bipolar 1 meaning that my moodswings happen to be very manic with few bouts of depression. Bipolar 2 is opposite. More depression with few bouts of mania. Living your life with either types cause many great problems in day to day life that effects the lives of ever person in ones life.Psychotic behaviors and suicide are at the forefront in most affected persons with Bipolar but it does not have to be.There is much more information on this illness on the web, so I definately suggest you take a surf for more especially if you or someone you know is being effected by the trials and tribulations it causes. Education is the key to abolishing the negative ignorance of stigma on mental illness. After a 23 year journey, I know this to be true I enjoy educating others on the facts and releasing the fears associated by them. As my blog grows longer I hope to share my personal struggles because it keeps me living and humble. As of now bipolar disorder has no cure but by being compliant in treatment and no matterwhat do all you can to stay healthy including diet, exercise, and a giant SMILE!
